A Letter I'll Never Send

You're a bad friend.

Well, at least to me. I've seen you be a good friend to other people. But not to me.

Because if you were really my friend you wouldn't do the things you do. Maybe you could argue that we were never friends. But the word girlfriend clearly says otherwise. On a base level, we had to be friends in order to have a relationship. And to be someone's friend you have to care about them and their feelings.

And I can't believe that you ever cared about me. People who care don't act like you. Maybe you didn't know I loved you (I'm not sure if I still do). But I know for a fact that you knew I care about you. Present tense. Because we didn't break up on bad terms. I asked you not to talk to me for a bit because it hurt too much. So why, why would you not tell me about her? It wouldn't take much, just let me now before I heard a rumor from someone else. It's what a decent person, what a good friend would do. So I'm not blindsided. We have the same friend, you knew I would find out. And you let someone else tell me.

You're a fucking coward for that.

And right after you hear that I know, you talk to me like nothing's changed? Like nothing's changed? Like we're just friends? Like we're still friends?

FUCK YOU.

I wish I was strong enough to tell you how it made me feel. But instead, I let you pretend everything was fine because I didn't want to make you upset. Because the last time I told you how much you hurt me you got so angry it scared me. And I don't ever want to do that to someone.

But this is the problem. I care so much about you that I put you first. Even now. Even when you deserve to know. And you couldn't even spare me a backwards glance when you walked away.

I'm so tired of you proving to me that I don't mean anything to you. I'm not even mad or hurt that you moved on. I'm happy for you. I want you to be happy, and I don't think you could be with me.

But friends don't do this to friends. You keep lying to me. I'm so tired of all the lies. Why would you say so many things you didn't mean? Just don't say anything.

I wish I never met you. I wish I didn't like your friends. I wish I liked you as a person.

And I know I'm not the best at communicating. I don't tell you things I should. I mean, I'm writing you a letter I'll never send right now. But I didn't tell you things because I was scared you wouldn't care. Because every nice thing you did for me was a joke. You did things I hated or made me uncomfortable and you laughed. So why would I open up?

6 weeks. It took you half that to replace me. And you didn't even give me the courtesy of letting me know. With someone who I know. Who's friends with our friends. You knew someone would tell me, but it should've been you.

Do you remember what you would say to me whenever we talked about a break or if I mentioned I was insecure? You would swear that you wouldn't date anyone else while I was away. It didn't make any sense. Why would you say that? It doesn't matter if you see other people. That's how life works. But instead you made a promise you broke in less than a month. You turned yourself into a liar for something I never would've held against you. I still don't. You could date whoever you want and fuck half the school and I wouldn't care. That's not the problem . The problem is that you say things without thinking, that you make assumptions that always end with me being hurt, that you'd rather avoid and pretend nothing's wrong. The problem is that you don't actually care about me. And you'd rather me pretend and be the person you know I pretend to be.

I'm so sick of crying over you. I'm so fucking tired of feeling like I'm nothing. And that's not all your fault But you have an uncanny ability to prey on my insecurities. To make me feel like I'm crazy for wanting more from you. I wish I could explain to you what it was like to be with you, to have you in my life.

Maybe I was too intense, or maybe I didn't tell you I cared or I didn't tell you how I felt. But the last time I did you told me that I cared more than you did, and that it scared you. So I felt guilty for feeling anything at all.

I wish you broke up with me that day. It would have been the merciful thing to do. But you're a coward, because part of you had to know that I wouldn't be able to, since you already said I cared too much. Instead, you put the ball in my court, and let me hang myself with the rope you gave me.

I promised myself that I would be over you by my birthday. But here we are, 26 hours left and I'm listening to a playlist I made to explain how you broke my heart and writing a letter that you'll never see, sobbing.

All because you showed me one more time that you don't care. Maybe you never did.

I deserve better than spending my time like this. But there's a constant monologue in my head of what I would say to you if you ever apologized. But you never will. So I'm stuck playing conversations that will never happen. Hoping that will eventually make me feel better. But it won't. Because all I really want is for you to apologize. And you don't even know there's anything to be sorry about.