I used to...

I used to count down the minutes until I saw you again

Pace in front of the door,

Butterflies keeping me from being still.

You were always late, so the anticipation would keep me going.

I don’t know when the countdown began to feel more like a doomsday clock

Counting down the seconds until I had to become someone else

Someone deserving of love

Someone not broken inside

I used to tell my friends about you

How it frustrated me to no end how well you knew me

How I couldn’t help but smile when you were around

I don’t know when the stories got more sporadic

Because they started to end in tears more than smiles

And I was scared they’d notice

I used to think of you constantly

I saw you in the little things around me

It always brought a smile to my face

I don’t know when I started forgetting you exist

You’d become a background character

No longer requiring my attention

I used to be happy you were mine

That I had proof I was deserving of love

That someone saw me and still wanted to stick around

I don’t know when the joy turned to resentment

That you could see all of me and still not understand

That you knew I’d been burned and used it as an instruction manual

I used to think this was healthy

We never argue

We have productive conversations

And I always felt at peace when you were around

I don’t know when I realized I was wrong

We never argue because I’m too scared to tell you how I feel

Our conversations are only productive because we leave emotion out of our relationship

The peace was only the calm before the storm

I used to love you

I don’t know when I stopped

By R. Regan McCall, written 11 August 2022